Wandering through the literary woods

A friend of mine recently sent me a link to an agent blogger who was railing about receiving a query for a non-fiction novel. It was kind of funny because there are people out there who actually say stuff like that. But I’m in the throes of writing a new novel, and it’s due to my editor in October. That may sound like a long way off to you, but it’s right around the goddamn corner to me. I’m at about the mid-point, which I refer to as “wandering through the woods.” I don’t have much tolerance right now for idiots who don’t know what the hell they’re doing. Admittedly, because I sometimes feel like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

The beginning of a novel is the easy part. Anyone can sail through 90 pages of story without much effort. You feel like a genius during that exciting stretch. You’re not, but you feel like it and the endorphins are worth the effort. The ending is usually not much more difficult than the beginning. You’ve set it up, you’ve laid out all the nuggets, your reader may be surprised, or she may know exactly where you’re going, just not how you’re going to pull it off. The hardest part of the ending is wrapping it up on time and not getting sentimental. I ditch the last twenty pages of many novels I read for that precise reason. There is no place for sentimentality in good fiction, if you ask me.

It’s the middle that kills most would-be novelists. You’ve set out on a journey and now you’re deep into the forest. What was that guy’s name we met back on page 20? What happened to him, anyway? You just sort of forgot about him, didn’t you? Worry about that. You’ve introduced a character with no purpose. And what frickin day of the week is it, anyway? How long does it take to incubate chicks? Or mono? Or whatever literary device you’ve selected to keep this damn story moving. And who the hell is Hershel, and why does he think you work for him? This guy has just taken over the fucking story. Like it’s all about him and his ruined childhood.

What was it you were trying to illustrate with this novel, anyway? Family ties? Or has it morphed into child abuse? Is your theme redemption, or racism? And haven’t we had enough scenes with your main characters sitting at the kitchen table sharing secrets? It seems like we’re always at the kitchen table.

Yeah, go ahead and write that non-fiction novel. Good luck with that.

Too much

Barnes & Noble reported a quarterly loss and cut its forecast for the rest of the year yesterday. It's not surprising that the difficult retail market is taking its toll. Although, with everyone staying home because of high fuel prices, you'd think they might want to pick up a book or two. B&N also hinted that its looking at a possible deal with Borders. There isn't much difference between the two establishments, except that Borders is smart enough to sell music and stay independent with their coffee shops. Won't it be a shame if Starbucks is all we ever have to choose from in the future?

The economic downturn may be just what we need to take a hard look at quality, if publishers are brave enough to do it. Right now, we're swimming in a sea of too much. Too many publishers are cranking out too much of the same. Quality has been replaced by celebrity. Why do you think James Frey can even find a publisher for his second book? Because he's a celebrity. Never mind what kind.

Is it possible that book sales are flat because readers are tiring of what's being offered? There's no question that if Brittany Spears decided to write a tell-all book, publishers would be falling over each other to offer her millions. And that's the problem. We already know too much about her, and we've already seen too much of her (literally).

There are quiet trends in the industry toward independence and quality, though. Consider 12, the brainchild of an ex-Random House executive who now hand chooses twelve quality books (fiction and non-fiction) to produce each year, one per month. Booksellers are keen to buy his choices because he's committed to quality.

I've said this before: If publishers produced fewer books, the bar might be raised so high that I wouldn't make the cut. But authors don't make much money in an industry flooded with "too much." I'd rather take my chances in a world that values quality than be just another unknown author in a sea of mediocrity.

The writer event groupie

You know the type. They show up at every event, carrying their lambskin journals and fountain pens, and hand out business cards that prominently display a quill and ink well. I once watched one of them perform the "downward dog" Yoga pose in preparation for her pitch to a lit agent. Wow! Nothing like a sagging, middle-aged ass hoisted in your face. I landed my agent that day (it must of been that smirk on my face). My guess is that Ms. Om is still stretching and still pitching.

These are the people who pop out of their seats to read their writing exercises aloud to the class. They are the ones who have memorized the biographies of every lit agent present and talk about them as if they are old friends. They are the ones who offer advice on pitching -- no doubt they have the experience, but I require a measure of success from my mentors.

These are also the people who attend readings only to ask the author how she got her agent. But they won't buy your book because they don't care about your work. They can't discern Hemingway from Doig, McCarthy from Proulx, mainly because the only books they read begin with the words "how to."

If you know more about the conference than the organizers, it might be time to quit the charade. Memorizing How To books and agent bios will not get there. Immersing yourself in excellent fiction might.

She would never do that!

This critique group response always makes me roll my eyes. I hear this all the time, usually from mothers/aspiring authors. It goes something like this: "A mother would never never never do that to her children." I think, "Really? Are you sure?"

Let's dive into the world of what some people would do for a moment. Remember Diane Downs, the mother who shot her children because she was dating a man who didn't really like kids? Or Susan Smith, for that matter? Maybe she was on her local anti-gun committee and it was against her belief to use a gun. A lake will do. How about the mentally deranged woman in Texas who drowned all six of her kids? She had to wrestle the oldest to his death.

These are dramatic examples (the platform for good fiction). If you want something tamer, how about Jennifer Wilbanks, the "runnaway bride"? The making for a good comedy, I'd say. (Oh, wait, didn't Julia Roberts already play that role?).

Maybe you wouldn't do that objectionable thing (whatever it is), but your character might and probably should. As an author it's your responsibility to find the outer boundaries of a character's emotional and psychological terrain. If they are no broader than your own boring, middle-class suburban life, why the hell would anyone read your work?

James Frey -- Forgive him?

James Frey, the disgraced memoirist of "A Thousand Little Pieces" released his second book recently. It's titled "Bright Shiny Morning," which by all accounts of my irascible nature makes me chafe. The LA Times calls the book "terrible, the worst ever." The New York Times says he's a "furiously good storyteller." Well, duh! That's how he suckered Oprah into plugging for him in the first place. I don't think the man's storytelling ability was ever in question. Do you?

But is a good story enough? I know, I know, you never thought you'd hear that question from me, the one who claims story is king. What I mean is, does he deserve a second chance? We all screw up. We all make mistakes. He is contrite. He is self-effacing (though that's part of the writer persona that we all must don). But he's still a liar.

I didn't read "A Thousand Little Pieces" before it was exposed as untruth, and I wouldn't touch it with an oosik now. So why should I pick up his new novel? I like honest people. Hell, that's what this blog is about: the honest truth. I think sometimes the fuck-up is just too grand for a second chance, like the drunk driver who kills a family of five. We can allow them back into society at some point, but they never get to enjoy the fruit of the vine again.

Credibility

The city I live in has a huge writers organization with over a thousand members. It puts on the largest writers conference in the US, and includes film, fiction, non-fiction, and memoirs. When I was just starting out, I attended the monthly meetings, read the newsletters, went to the conferences and even pitched to lit agents. It was useful as a starting ground. And looking back, I think it helped drill into me some of the basics about writing fiction, if for no other reason than the presentations were repetitive. When you're talking about the basics, it's hard not to be. This organization is clearly geared to the novice, and once I'd landed an agent, but before I was actually published, I realized I'd outgrown them. If only I could move on... I still get the newsletters and, as always, something is really bugging me about the whole organization.

First, as a member who "made it" (so to speak), I think the organization missed a beautiful opportunity by not featuring me (and all the others who made it) as success stories. What's more inspiring than seeing one of your own achieve the goal? Instead, month after month, they continue to produce the same tired newsletter and coordinate the same tired lectures, just delivered by new people. Out of 1000 member I know I can't be the only one who got published (I hope not, anyway). So where are the successes among us? Why aren't we talking about them? When someone did mention me in an article recently, they hadn't bothered to do their homework and update their information. I was listed as a past award winner, but by then I had two books published by a reputable publisher. There was no mention of that "holy grail" achievement.

But the bigger issue I have is that they routinely include self publishing as a topic in lectures. They announce the book releases of self-published authors in the newsletter, and they schedule conference sessions about it.

Look, self-publishing is NOT a legitimate option in the literary world. If you really want to "make it" you should be offended by anyone's suggestion that it is. The New York Times, Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, Seattle Times, etc. etc. WILL NOT review your book. Publishers Weekly will not feature you. Kirkus Reviews will not even return your phone call unless you want to pay them (and you should never have to pay for a review) for a "critique". Barnes & Noble will not put your work on their shelves, and neither will Borders or almost any independent bookseller.

Call me a purist, but writers organizations that include self publishing have a problem with credibility and should be shunned by any serious author (especially aspiring authors).

"How to Write a Novel in Your Spare Time"

An evening workshop presented by (you name him)

Author of (however many) New York Times- bestselling novels

·How to get started
·Advice on careful research
·managing time
·working with agents and editors

Do you get these ads, too? All writer's associations, newsletters, announcement lists and bulletin boards are full of them. I've omitted the presenter's name on this one (no one I recognized) because this isn't a personal slam, but a scratch-my-head and wonder who signs up for these? post.

I edited the one above to have consistent formatting, but notice the capitalization of the bullets. And this guy is going to teach us to write? Okay, he's not advertising himself as an editor, but still...

I've wondered if I could make money doing this sort of thing, too. It seems to be a popular activity among published authors. And why not? If you can make a couple hundred bucks in an evening or a couple thousand in a weekend, that's a nice supplementary income.

But I have a few issues with this whole concept:
1. Just because you wrote successful novels doesn't mean you can teach others
2. Spending your time with aspiring writers doesn't challenge you to go to the next level with your own writing
3. It sort of feels dishonest because most of these people aren't going to make it, anyway
4. Talking about agents and editors in the same session as "getting started" is like worrying about your masters' thesis in your freshman year
5. If they don't know how to manage time already... need I even say more

About the only thing valuable here is the advice on careful research. But isn't that the advice? Research carefully! See, I didn't need to waste an evening for that.